Flirting with Finn Page 9

Finn steps forward and gives me a quick kiss. “See you at the finish line, my love.”

  My heart soars as he jogs away, and for a moment, everything is wonderful, until I glance back at the Empire-State-Building-sized climbing wall. I follow Lexi to the starting line as I try not to vomit.

  Chapter 17

  Michael grabs Lexi’s hands and shakes her relaxed arms as he says, “We’re tied. So no pressure, but win.”

  Lexi chuckles. “No pressure, boss. None.”

  Wrong. That’s tons of pressure, because her win is only worth three points. I have to complete the course to snag the two points for second and one point for third for us to win field day.

  Michael grabs my hands to give me a shake too. I’m not sure what it’s for, so I pull them back. Michael lets me and says, “When Lexi wins, we still need you to score the remaining points.”

  I refrain from snapping back and say, “I know.”

  He places his hands on my shoulders. “I’m sure you’re nervous, but you can take all the time you need. It’s not about speed for you. Got it?”

  I nod. I do get it. People who are good at athletics have no idea what it’s like for those of us who aren’t. And while everyone seems to think it’s easy for me to just get through the course, they aren’t looking at the Mount Everest of rock walls as an impossible hurdle. And I’d bet a million dollars seeing it doesn’t make them want to curl up in a ball and die either.

  The crowd is lined up along the course to watch, and I notice Greta is at the starting line with the participants. I realize Finn employed the same strategy we did for points. Since Finn and Lexi are the main attraction, Michael tells us Lexi is going first, Finn second, Greta third, and me last.

  Greta doesn’t appear to be much more fit than I am, and I let the fact that she won’t be breaking records offer a small consolation. She smiles at me as Lexi steps up to the starting line. “How did you get roped into this?” she asks.

  “I’m terrible at saying no. Oh, and there’s the matter of wanting to keep my job.”

  She chuckles. “Me too. Maybe if Finn beats Lexi, he won’t make me do it.”

  It hits me that if Finn beats Lexi, Camp Firefly Falls doesn’t stand a chance of winning. I whisper, “Don’t tell, but I hope he wins too, because then I don’t have to go either.”

  She grins and whispers back, “Your secret is safe with me.”

  A short blast comes from the whistle Michael is wearing, and Lexi’s feet fly as she runs toward the first ramp. My heart jumps into my throat as I watch her scale the obstacle, and she didn’t use more than two tires to do it. She’s amazing, and even though it’s not in my best interest, I will her to go faster. I stare in awe as she scrambles over the sand in a crouched position to avoid the metal bar ceiling as if she’s performing a dance move. People scream her name as she continues.

  “Holy cow,” says Greta. “That Lexi is a machine. We’re in trouble.”

  “I know.” I swallow down the bile that rises up my throat.

  David and Heather are at end of the course with stopwatches, and after Lexi barrels past them at the speed of light, they compare times. David yells it out to Michael, and I look at Finn to see his reaction. His face is serious, and he shakes his legs out as he clenches and unclenches his hands. I get the impression he’s worried, which doesn’t bode well for me.

  The O’Connor team members chant Finn’s name, and Greta says to me, “Crap. I know that expression.” She lets out a sigh and lifts her arms to stretch them. “He might lose.”

  Damn it. The whistle rings out, and Finn takes off. While Lexi flew over the first ramp with the grace of a gazelle, Finn’s approach is more brute force. But he still manages to look as if he’s moving as quickly. His scramble through the sand reinforces the fact that Lexi had the advantage of running the course every day for weeks, but Finn is definitely powering through with speed, and I find myself holding my breath as he approaches the finish line. When he crosses it, I grab Greta’s hand, and she squeezes my fingers as we wait for the results.

  I swear time stands still as David and Heather bow their heads, and even the crowd is anxious as someone yells, “Tell us already!”

  David calls out a time that is two seconds slower than Lexi’s, and my team members shout in glee. But it’s not over yet. Greta has to go in case I don’t finish so she can snag the third-place point, while according to the rules, I need to complete the course to get the rest of the points.

  I say to Greta, “Good luck.”

  She’s a great sport and raises her clasped hands in the air to the crowd. Her teammates chant her name as she jogs slowly to the first ramp. She takes her time climbing over it, and when she hits the sand, she crawls across it on her hands and knees the way I plan to. Greta struggles a little with the rope, but she manages to hang on. When she gets to the rock wall, she groans. A voice yells out, “Think of it as Finn’s paperwork on your desk!”

  She yells back, “Then I’m not going to finish until tomorrow!” The crowd laughs as Greta begins her climb. She’s slow and steady, and there is excitement when she scrambles over the top. She gets more cheering when she crosses the finish line in a slow jog.

  Michael blows his whistle to quiet the crowd. He says, “This has been an exciting competition.” He goes on to thank O’Connor Associates and say a bunch of other nice stuff I don’t hear because my pulse is pounding too hard in my ears. I don’t need his words to tell me that winning is now all up to me.

  I nearly jump when Michael says, “On your mark!”

  I take a deep breath and search desperately for my confidence. Lexi is right by my side and says softly, “One obstacle at a time, Meg. I’m going to be here with you the whole way.”

  I nod quickly before the whistle blows. I stare at the tires and run toward them. Climbing up them isn’t too hard, and I make it to the sand without incident. I employ Greta’s strategy and crawl on my hands and knees to get through before I move on to the next hurdle. My confidence builds as my teammates cheer me on, and I even manage to get across the tight rope with more grace than when I first tried it.

  Lexi is encouraging me along the way and gives me praise for each accomplishment. For a moment, I think I’ve got this. And then I get to my nemesis.

  I stop and stare at the top of the rock wall that may as well stretch into the clouds as far as I’m concerned. The roar of the crowd is deafening, and a chill washes over me. I whisper, “I can’t do it.”

  Lexi is by my side. “Yes, you can, Meg. Use your legs to lift you and your hands for balance. One step at a time.”

  I take a deep breath and place my fingers on a hold. It’s warm from the sun, and I notice how slick my hand is with sweat. I let go and swipe my palms over my shorts.

  I flash to the rope in high school gym class and recall how we all had to take a turn climbing it. I hated that damn rope because I could never do more than lock my feet on the bottom knot and hold on. The boys in the class would make snide comments, while the girls whispered behind their hands and snickered about the fatty who couldn’t climb it.

  “You can do it! It’s no bigger than the ones on kids’ swing sets!” I recognize the voice as Ethan’s, and I know he’s trying to help, but it hits me that I’m afraid of something a child can do easily. Tears burn in my eyes.

  I notice Finn has come over, but I can’t look at him. He asks. “Want me to stand below you in case you fall?”

  Right. So the weight of me can smash him to the ground and injure the both of us? I shake my head and step back from the wall. “I’m sorry.” I glance at Lexi. “I can’t.”

  Finn reaches out to touch my arm. “Meg. It’s okay.”

  I pull my arm back and can’t find the words to tell him it’s not. It’s not okay at all. I spend so much time pretending I’m a confident, self-assured person, but the truth is I’m still the Meg I always was. The one who is not the prettiest or the most sought after in a room. The one who is socially awkward and always second bes
t. And now, the one who is a failure because she can’t even climb the equivalent of an elementary school piece of playground equipment.

  “Meg.” Finn takes my arms in a firm grip as he speaks softly. “Please look at me.”

  I glance up and let him see the tears roll down my cheeks. This perfect man before me should have so much better. How can I expect us to work when I’m still the same Meg I’ve always been? I may have taken off my big sweatshirt and let my hair down, but I still don’t have the courage to love and live life the way he deserves. I whisper, “I’m sorry. I really can’t.” I twist out of his grip and walk away.

  Chapter 18

  I don’t know what happens with the competition because I walk away from it all. Lexi tries to come with me, but I look at her and say, “Please leave me alone. I’ll be okay.”

  “Meg.” Her face is full of compassion. “You were thrown into this without any preparation. Your reaction is normal.”

  I love my friend for trying to make me feel better, but it’s no use. “Thank you, but please go back to everyone. I want to be by myself right now.”

  “I—” I give her my stern don’t-mess-with-me face, and Lexi sighs. “I wish you wouldn’t beat yourself up over this. It could have happened to anyone.”

  That’s where she’s wrong. I wonder if there was any point in Lexi’s life where she was too afraid to try something. There are the risk takers in life, and then there are people like me. We’re not meant to be the star or the one everyone wishes they could be. The Lexis and the Finns are in a league I can’t be in. I was a fool to believe I could be, because no amount of faking it will ever make me one of them.

  I’m almost to my cabin when I hear footsteps thudding on the ground. I turn to find Finn jogging toward me. I sniff as I wipe the tears from my face. “You should be with your team. Ties default to the visiting team. Go celebrate.”

  “They don’t need me right now. You do.”

  I shake my head. “No.” I want you, though. I want you more than you’ll ever be able to fathom, Finn O’Connor. I want to be the prom queen on the arm of the prom king. I want to be the beautiful girlfriend by his side at charity events and work functions, but what I want and what I get are two different things. “I need a shower, and then I have to work.”

  Finn steps toward me, but I hold up my hand. “I’d like to pretend the whole thing didn’t happen. Let me?”

  He sighs. “I hate seeing you upset, Meg. I want to be here for you and make it better.”

  “I know.” I’m sure he does, because he’s the nice guy who can usually fix things. But not this time. “There’s nothing you can do, Finn.” I glance at my cabin. “I really do have to get ready.”

  He steps forward and takes my face in his hands. His touch makes my heart swell with love for him, and my throat tightens up as a sob tries to escape. “Oh, babe,” he says. “So much pain I wish I could take away.” He leans down and kisses my forehead. “I love you, Meg, and I wish you’d let me in.”

  I want to grasp his arms and kiss him. I want to fall into the way Finn makes me feel and forget anything bad has ever happened. Finn may think he wants me now, but I’m not the woman he believes he loves. Finn loves the mysterious shy girl he never knew, who went from an ugly duckling to a swan. He turned me into a fantasy back in college, but it wasn’t based on fact. It was based on what he wanted me to be.

  When he found me again, I’d come out of hiding and accepted I needed to play the game. I did a pretty good job of pretending to be a swan. But I should have known one day I’d falter and show Finn it was all an act.

  This time, I won’t be such a fool.

  I turn away and enter my cabin.

  “Meg—” says Finn. I see sympathy in his eyes, and I can’t take the confirmation that I’m pathetic, so I shut the door on him before he can say more. The lock clicks loudly, and I listen for him to leave. I hold my breath until he finally does.

  I’m numb as if I’m in shock, and I wonder why I don’t feel anything. I should be screaming or crying, feeling something besides indifference. My clothes stick to my skin when I strip them off and leave them on the floor like breadcrumbs as I make my way to the bathroom. The pipes groan as I turn on the water for a shower.

  Cool water beats down on me and washes away the grime. Too bad it can’t take away my shame. I let out a pained noise as I think about how I’m going to have to face all those people as I serve them food. There will be those who offer me a sympathetic smile, and those who will tell me they get it. The worst will be the ones who share with me how they got over their fear, and if I just do whatever it is they did, I’ll be cured.

  Shampoo is slippery in my fingers as I lather up my hair. I know the truth, though. There isn’t a magic elixir for people like me. What makes courageous people something to admire is that not everyone can be that way. There isn’t a key to their club, because that kind of strength is in your genetics.

  Tears manage to leak out of my eyes and flow with the water running down my body. I let out a wail as my emotions finally break through. The wall of the shower stall thuds when I fall back on it, and I sink to the floor.

  My stomach hurts as I sob, and the flavor of soap fills my mouth as shampoo runs into it. I don’t stop crying until the water begins to run colder. As it turns to ice, I stand up to rinse my hair and realize I have to get ahold of myself. If I’m going to make it through this evening, I’ve got to pull up my big-girl panties and deal.

  I hug myself as I step out of the frigid shower and a chill runs through me. I think about how I was born with higher than average intelligence. It’s my strength. I know I have a mind that understands chemistry, and it helps me create food profiles that make people moan in pleasure. I need to get out there and do the job I know I do well.

  I step out of the shower, and the towel is rough on my skin as I rub myself dry. I kick my dirty clothes out of the way as I go to my dresser to pull out something to wear. After I get dressed, I finger comb my wet hair into a messy bun and glance at the mascara I usually put on. But when I look in the mirror, I realize my eyes are too swollen to wear it. I long for my oversized sweatshirt and wish I could hide. I know I can’t, though, so I pull my mental shield down over my feelings and practice my smile once in the mirror before I push my way out the door.

  When I get to the kitchen, Ethan is already there, loading the rolling carts with provisions. I see compassion in his eyes, but I’m grateful he’s all business when he says, “I’m almost ready to bring this over.”

  While I’d love to hide out in the kitchen, there’s no use in avoiding the situation, so I say, “I’ll meet you there.” I go to the walk-in refrigerator to grab the cart I prepared earlier today.

  The barbecue grill is set up outside of the main lodge, and even though it’s still warm, a bonfire has been lit. The flames dance high as the two guys tending it work at creating a blaze that will last through the evening. After Ethan and I unload the carts, he goes back for the remaining items, and I stay to organize.

  Lexi arrives, freshly showered, and she too is kind enough to act as if nothing happened. Once we’re set up, the festivities begin. Meat sizzles on the grill and sends the tantalizing scent through the crowd. Finn makes a speech about team building and the great things they’ll all do together over the next year. His voice is like a calming music to me, and I recall how he said he was attracted to my voice. Sadness grips my heart, and I tear up.

  I turn my attention to the food that is cooking and brace myself for the reality of what I know I have to do. Finn and I were never meant for long term, and the sooner I deal with that, the better.

  Flames lick at the beef juice that drips as I press on the meat with a spatula. I can choose to hang on to something I can’t have until it falls apart, or I can break things off before it all goes south. This way, Finn and I can end on a high note. He can remain a fantasy in my head where he belongs, and I can be remembered fondly as a summer fling.

  My resolve is
easy to hold onto as the campers go through the buffet line. I smile and get through the small talk and comments, but when Finn is across from me, asking for a medium-rare burger, I nearly fall apart. He asks, “Will you be done around nine?” I nod because words won’t come out. “Your cabin?”

  I nod again, and Finn sighs. “Meg, you’re going to have to talk to me, you know.”

  I force a smile. “I will.” As much as I don’t want to, I will.

  Chapter 19

  The first thing Finn does when I open my door is pull me into an embrace so tight it takes my breath away. “It’s been a long day, and I spent most of it wanting to hold you.”

  I pull away. “I’m fine. I know there is absolutely no reason a grown woman has to climb a rock wall, so if I never do, it’s okay.” I smile at my attempt to be funny.

  Finn frowns at me. “You don’t have to make light of it with me, Meg. You were terrified, and I’m proud that you had the courage to walk away.”

  “Courage?” I let out a dry laugh. “I was a coward.”

  “Not from where I stand.” He steps toward me and rubs my arms. A tingle of desire defies me as it races through my bloodstream. “You did what was right for you no matter what anyone else might have thought. I’m not sure I could have done that.”

  “Fear is an amazing thing. It tends to make you overlook other details.” And so does love. I gaze up at the man standing before me. His brown eyes are warm with his love for me, and I long to trace my finger along his strong cheekbones and feel the rasp of light stubble on my skin. I want to be with him so much it hurts. But I can’t live with the ticking time bomb of our breakup hanging over my head.

  He says, “None of that matters. It’s our last night before we become long-distance lovers for a few weeks.” Finn tugs on a loose strand of my hair. “I thought we could go for a moonlight paddle and then skinny dip at Firefly Falls. How does that sound?”